I realized why God created Adam and Eve in the beginning
because,
loneliness is as real as day and as loud as silence.
Seeing its almost as if I've been living by myself
since my mom went overseas since 30th May( back on the 9 of June ).
And with my sis not always at home.
Living an independent life
on my own.
Isn't as appealing as I once thought it was.
Coming back home,
to a place where you can't say.
"I'm home"
feels awkward for me.
It feels more of a hotel.
with the exception that there's no room service
or someone to do the laundry for you.
I don't hate housework.
Its just loneliness calling out my name.
And depression is joining in on the fun.
Whispering lies ,
corrupting my brain.
It all makes me feel like crying.
It's hard to handle it all.
I look strong and I am strong,
don't get me wrong
but there is a limit where I can hold myself together.
I can't hear my heart's voice
It's within me
yet it's so distant
and out of reach.
Why?
Holy Spirit,
my guide and guardian,
friend and lover,
where are you?
Using the computer almost 24/7
just to block out loneliness's murmuring
watching t.v ,
distracting myself
and my imagination
from depression's ghastly plots it has in store for me.
Keeping it sane
is almost a challenge now.
I can only cry to God
and ask,
bring me away from loneliness.
From the dark parts of me
that I no longer want to visit.
This past whole week.
Its been a challenge just going to school.
No one there to make sure that
I'll be there,
sitting in class.
Just me.
Pushing and forcing myself.
I managed to be there 4/5 days I was supposed to.
On Friday,
at churchwide bible study,
I realized the kind of love I have with God.
Faltering love.
For all my life,
I built this wall to protect myself.
Even before I went to church,
this wall was already there.
Fortifying itself throughout the years.
And here He is.
Calling out to me.
Waiting for me to come out.
Here I am.
Still reluctant.
It seems I still have a long long way
to go before I have a mature love with God.
I guess this is what life is all about.
The journey.
:)
